mindfulness

Becoming Aware of Self Comparison: Is Comparing Yourself Hurting You?

Whenever I compare myself to others, it usually leaves me feeling bad. Rarely does it leave me feeling good. 

Feeling good is when I’m comparing myself to someone I admire and respect. They have demonstrable traits that I can learn from. They are healthy examples for me. They are visual representations of what’s admirable and an aspiration. Who they are does not make me feel like I’m less or that I’m not good enough. 

The times I feel bad are when I’m comparing myself to someone who I don’t even relate to.

Here’s what I mean: Superficially, I may relate to the person. For example, say they identify as a female, like I do.  Or say they identify as a woman and a Latina, again like I do. Or say they are a similarly aged latina woman… This could be 🤩🤩 Eva Mendes! Yeah. I’m comparing myself to the model and business woman, Eva Mendes (who’s married to Ryan Gosling). 

I scroll through her images and think, “why can’t I be as beautiful or as successful as she is?” “Hey Girl, why can’t I be married to Mr. Handsome Movie Star Ryan Gosling?” “Why is my life this one and not that one?”

I soo wish I could have her life! If only…

Hold on. Alert! This is what falling into a comparison trap starts to look like and nah, nope; it doesn’t feel so good. 😵

Can you relate, Courageous One?

If I’m honest, I really don’t see myself in Eva Mendes except for on the surface level. She’s a woman, she’s Latina, she’s around the same age as me and obviously a big fan of Ryan Gosling; I am too. 🥰 But know what? That’s about it. So why am I comparing myself to her?

Why do we compare ourselves?

The science says that we compare ourselves to know how we measure up. Basically, it’s to know how we’re doing. 

There’s this theory in social psychology. It’s called Social Comparison Theory and it was brought forth by this 1954 psychologist named Leon Festinger.  He hypothesized that we have this basic need to evaluate ourselves because at the root of it, we’re trying to manage uncertainty and we’re trying to define ourselves.

The theory proposes that we can’t define ourselves without being in relation to someone else. It basically says that we actually need other people to help us define who we are. 

With regards to uncertainty, we’re trying to reduce it, because we really don’t like uncertainty. Doing the research helps us reduce the uncertainty of how we’re doing and so we evaluate ourselves against others for the data.  

We all have this drive; it’s an element of the brain’s social cognition network and it can be traced to an evolutionary need to protect ourselves and assess threats. 

Here’s the way I see it. We’re all trying to control our lives and circumstances in order to protect ourselves and stay on guard of any potential threats to our sense of safety.

In daily modern life, one way we do this is by comparing ourselves to other people in order to know where we stand. Can you imagine that? When you make comparisons of yourself, the root of it is that you’re attempting to protect yourself and stay on guard. How human of us!

In the areas where we feel uncertainty, we evaluate how we measure up. When we assess the “threat”, we’re actually assessing how well we’re doing compared to others. We gather the data because then we’re able to define ourselves. For example, “if Eva Mendes can have a baby at 40, I can too. I’m not less fertile than she is…I’m active, I’m youthful, I’m healthy. I’m OK. I’m good to go.” See that?

1. I’m gathering data through comparing myself to somebody else and now
2. I’m able to define myself.

Wait, so I’m not the only one comparing myself?  What a relief 😌.

I’ve been feeling bad about the social comparison that I do. I’ve considered it an embarrassing personality trait that I could never rise above. And oh how easily my mind slips into that mode! Ugh 😞. I hate the yucky feelings that come with comparing oneself. They’re so disempowering. For example, deep down you think you don’t have what they have so because of that you feel like a failure.

How true is this? I know you know what I mean.

I must say though, learning that we all compare ourselves to others and that it’s pretty much something built into us has been useful to me in creating more awareness around when I do it. That awareness tells me that although it may be something built in, I don’t need to feed it. Especially if it doesn’t serve me.

Think about it for just a sec. When was the last time you became aware that you were comparing yourself? What if …

It may have been only yesterday that you checked out someone else’s craft work and thought, “If only I could have fill- in-the-blank, then I would be so awesome.” (As though you aren’t now) Or…

Another time, you look at someone’s social media post about how amazing their career is right when you’re smack dab in the trenches of questioning your own career path. (But everyone’s path is unique)

Maybe recently you learn that a friend of yours is so excited about their newly purchased Tesla … and you’re still driving a fossil fueled car that’s more than 5 years old. (Maybe it’s not a Tesla, but it’s good to have wheels when you need them)

How great do you feel in those moments?

Chances are you feel reduced in some way. It can be a subtle feeling, too. You start out genuinely interested in how someone is doing. You check in or reach out. You feel good about the spark of connection. We’re social beings, right? You’re being social.

Then as you listen to, read or watch their latest updates, it’s a bunch of “Sooo great! Soooo fun! Sooo amazing!” stuff from them. And you’re left with this kind of starry-eyed but punched in the chest feeling. How can everyone else’s life be so perfect and not yours?

That wholesome feeling you started out with quickly sinks down into another sensation –a less vibrant one. 🥴 You may not even notice because it’s so subtle, but there’s a shift in your energy. You feel a bit low and you end up wishing you hadn’t bothered to reach out or check in.

Try to answer this honestly: Has comparing yourself ever thrown you off balance? I mean like where you start to feel unhappy with your life, your journey or your self? Has it ever made you feel like you were not enough?  

With the rise of social media, social comparison is rampant. It’s important to our wellness to be aware that social media actually facilitates the comparing of ourselves. It makes it easier and even addictive to do. It can get to the point of being toxic. When you compare yourself to others, you’re not being kind to yourself.  When you’re doing it A LOT, it’s toxic.

Comparing yourself is harmful to your well-being.

Iyanla Vanzant says, “Comparison is an act of violence against the self”. The comparison trap makes you feel bad about who you are and where you are on your path. It makes you feel like you’re not measuring up and therefore, you’re not good enough. This is damaging to your self-esteem. It leads to self doubt and feeling insecure. Your self-confidence diminishes and you start to resent the person you’re comparing yourself to. 

“Comparison is the death of joy” – Mark Twain

Yes, we all do it. We all compare ourselves. Still, we need to understand that falling into the comparison trap stands in the way of our spiritual well-being. It holds us back from being able to experience the joy that’s there for us in the present moment, wherever we find ourselves.

Your spiritual wellness is your fountain of life force, Courageous One. You must look after it. You don’t need to feel bad about yourself. With this perspective, if you’re serious about feeling good and being well, there can be a healing space created.

The healing space that’s created is between You, the one making the comparisons and You, the observer of that behavior. Space is important because you can give yourself a chance to slow down what’s happening. You can observe that you’re engaging in comparisons and you can check in with how it’s making you feel.

You can slow down even more and create healthy options for yourself, such as: Being actively aware you’re comparing yourself and see it for what it is. There’s no judging or hooking into it. You simply move on like clouds passing in the sky. Or you can ask yourself, “can making this comparison be something positive for me? How so?”

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms” – Zen Shin

In other words, Courageous One, you have everything you need within yourself to walk the path that’s uniquely yours. Like flowers that just bloom, you can too. God made you enough. It’s not necessary to compare yourself to find out how to define and measure yourself.

Take care of your life force, conserve your energy, define and measure yourself by your own strengths and values. Because the crazy thing is, we’re not here to be anyone else but ourselves. ❄❄❄

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I never thought about loving myself. Have you?

Not too long ago, my life started to take a nose-dive. We’re talking a downward spiral. I had this knowing that somehow, I was losing the lifestyle I’d been living for awhile. Like it was time to let it go. 😧

In a dark night of the soul, I could actually see more clearly than I’d been able to see in quite a while. I could see that everything I was doing was motivated to take care of others, first. I put everyone around me ahead of myself. It was: first take care of others, first make sure everyone else is good, first love others and then maybe me.

Man. What the heck happened? I fell in between the cracks.

How? I didn’t even notice. 😔

I realized that I was thinking, doing and going for everyone else and what they wanted. It never hit me that doing that was tipping me way over my edge, until it did hit me. I was losing my way. I hit a wall and got burned out.

The crazy thing is, before that time, I considered myself a pretty unlikely candidate for burnout. I mean, for nearly the last 20 years my mantra has been to “feel good and be well”. It still is. How could this have happened?

As a healer, taking care of  soul, mind, body and spirit is pretty much non-negotiable. Tending to these aspects of myself is just so integral to my purpose. Again, how could this have happened? The irony of it all is that despite being a wounded healer, I hadn’t considered my healing journey to be one of self love. Self care, maybe. But love? 🤷‍♀️ 🤔

Well, I guess that’s why they call it “Earth School”. Nowadays, loving myself is central to my spiritual wellness — my well-being.

It may have taken losing me (the ‘me’ I put last 🤨) to love me, but now I can clearly see how essential having self love is. Hooray! It’s as essential as pausing to breath. Feels. So. Good. I can now offer myself support the way I’ve done for others (and still do! 🙂)

In the current pandemic, we’ve all been forced to slow down our lives and re-evaluate what is essential to us. It’s made it feel easier and more apropos to love myself and give myself care. But there are still moments when I think, “ Is self love really that essential?” because right now people are suffering, people are dying, and the economy is entering a severe recession. ❔ 🙋

The answer I always get is: Yes! Self love is essential. Especially now. 

Just in case you or I come down with momentary amnesia and think, 🤔 “Self love? Who needs it?” 🤷 I offer you:

5 significant reasons why self love is essential. 

1. Self love is essential because without it you can’t really grow; you stunt your own growth.

If you think of yourself like a garden, the love that we provide to ourselves is just like water to a garden. It’s the proper nourishment needed so the garden can thrive and bloom fully 🌻. Without the proper nourishment (water=self love) the garden is starved, working hard just to survive. The garden can’t grow to its potential. For the garden within us, our growth is stunted. 

What is reflected in your garden? 

Stop and consider how everything is about growth, creation and change. Then think about self love as the proper nourishment for those things. Self love is essential to us in order to fully bloom and thrive plus to keep things sustainable. Luckily, Self love is an expansive energy. Therefore, practicing it widens our stream. We stretch. We change. We grow. 🙌 😊

2. Self love is essential because it gives you a way to have a fulfilling life. 

How? 

There’s more acceptance in your life when you have love for yourself. This acceptance helps you act in ways that are being helpful to yourself. 

You can find what’s good under any circumstance, because that is a favorable act towards yourself. You’re grateful for what is (not for what is not) and you trust things are naturally unfolding in your favor. You have a sense of trust and gratitude for where you’re at in life. 

So, yeah maybe today did really suck and you know you fell short of where you wanted to be but then you lovingly say to yourself, “I’m gonna get this. Tomorrow is another day. ” For today, you ease into letting it go.

You find what’s good, and there’s a lot of good there.  It’s self love that lets your eyes see the gems!

This is why self love is essential to creating a fulfilling life. 😘

3. Self love is essential because you inspire others to self love, too.

Self love is an expansive energy, so within us it has the power to impact not only us but everyone we connect with. 

The compassion we hold for ourselves gives us the ability to hold the energy for those who may need compassion in their lives (and that’s a lot of us)!

You’re someone who truly cares. You take care of yourself and in your own way, you take care of the people around you, too. You’re willing to be vulnerable but you also keep healthy boundaries.

You’re shining that self love ray of light, even if it’s subtle. Just like laughter and joy spreads, so does the love and compassion you have for yourself. You’re creating a ripple effect.

Self love, starting with you, is essential in order for it to expand beyond you. This is important because it’s creating a more loving and compassionate world. And the truth is, we all really need self love. (📢 Heyyy, shout out to my peeps — my empath and recovering codependent friends, 💓)

4. Self love is essential because it’s an aid to having healthy self-esteem and self worth.

Without self love, you’re prone to being a human doormat, a people-pleaser and a perfectionist. 

None of that works out favorably 😞! Being those things is painful and wilting. They weaken your life force energy. 

But here’s what is life force giving: 🌼 SELF LOVE

When you love yourself, you honor yourself. You won’t stand for people stepping on you. You don’t need to kiss so much ass just to people please and make them happy. You don’t need everyone to like you. You don’t need to be perfect. That’s not real. 

What is real is how real you get when you love yourself enough to be who you are, brilliant and flawed. Love is an expansive energy. It creates the necessary room within our heart to love even our shadow side, right alongside our brilliance.

The ability to love our whole make-up, gives our self esteem and self worth a power boost. Meeting (and accepting) ourselves right where we are, flaws and all, builds on our self esteem and sense of value through the power of our own love.

How are you showing yourself real love?

5. Self love is essential because you need it to be able to restore and heal.

Having self love is like building a special reserve of life force energy. When you give yourself love that is kind, love that’s compassionate, love like the ‘BFF’ kind, you’ll be able to find love for your situation even in the dark times. 

You’ll restore and heal because the love you rally for yourself will eventually illuminate the darkness. 

The light from love will lead you out of the wilderness and restore and heal you. 

Maybe your life is chaotic right now. Maybe you can feel things are going way off balance. Know this: the most sustainable way to get back to center is through self love.

It’s the acts of kindness toward yourself that will restore your balance. And loving yourself during challenging times provides healing space for you. Recognize that any act you take, intended to bring you back to center or strengthen your core, is an act of love.

The gifts of healing include rebirth, renewal, victory, wisdom and many other gifts. With self love you can be open to receive all these gifts. Who says ‘no’ to bountiful blessings?

So you see Courageous Ones, self love isn’t about being “full of yourself” or being selfishly into yourself. Self love is about personal growth, consciousness, awareness, mental health, well-being, healing, fulfillment, acceptance and so on. (This is some courageous stuff.) It’s an essential tool in your spiritual wellness medicine bag. 🙏

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Until next time … ⚡🌈 💜

Be you & Be true, Courageous Ones!